Sex, or lack thereof
Where it all started
Summer 2021
My husband and I did not have sex for THREE years. THREE. That's a long time, but there was a not-so-slow decline leading up to it. I always had a stronger drive than he did, but it didn't become a problem until it dwindled to once a month, then every few months, then every six months and... you get the idea.
Not only were we not having sex, but when I would try and initiate it, he would snap at me and push me away. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was eroding my confidence and making me resent him. I was forced to really examine our sex life and it wasn't pretty. It was me initiating 95% of the time. I felt ugly and undesirable. I felt unwanted.
The slow decline of our sex life happened to coincide with my forties. Really?!? If you are a woman in her forties, especially one with a high sex drive, you know I missed out.
When we hit the 8-month mark of no sex several months shy of my 50th birthday, I was desperate for a change. I couldn't live in a sexless marriage anymore. I didn't want to be roommates and that's where we were at. So I took action...
When sending tit pics leads to awkward conversation...
July 2021
At the end of the 8th month of no sex between hubby and I, I decided I would do something I had never done. I created some suggestive pics and sent them to him while he was out of town at a conference. For my first try, they were not bad. I capitalized on my assets (chest) and minimalized my mom pooch. (List of pic ideas of you want to intrigue your person).
Anyway, I'm feeling pretty
good about what I'm sending, convinced that when he gets home, our sex life will reignite and all will be well.
Well... I was wrong. He GOT MAD at me for sending them. Told me to cut it out - other people at the conference could see his phone in looking at schedules, etc. Ummm - are the people in your texts? I hope not. And even then, we were married, so if I want to send a pic of me in his shirt with my pretty DD's showing, I damn well will.
To say I was shocked, hurt and mad is an understatement. And I know if you are reading this you are thinking: "He was totally cheating on her!" But that wasn't it - that's later in the story.
Needless to say - when he got home, there was still no sex. No touching, no affection. So I made him talk to me.
It turns out that things aren't working the way they are supposed to and he is embarrassed about it, which I totally get. I offer to go to the doctor with him. He refuses. I offer to make an appointment. He refuses.
I suggested an online appointment as that might lessen the embarrassment factor, but he refused that as well.
It seems so ridiculous but the moment continues to stand out in my mind. We were walking our dogs and I said, "If you aren't going to do anything about it, then what happens to our sex life?" And standing there in the hot July sun, he said, "Well, I'm old. I've accepted it's over." And a little part of me died right there.
Yes, it sounds selfish, but I really like sex. I like a lot of sex and having my sex life extinguished without choice made me sad. And the fact that he knew I liked it and he wasn't willing to do anything to fix it, made me feel like I really didn't matter to him.
Let the midlife crisis commence
When the one you love basically rejects you, what happens next?
All the Things Online
August 2021 - Rejection hits hard
Not too long after the sex life ending discussion, I was laying in the pool contemplating the fact that I had lost weight hoping he would find me more attractive. So I was skinnier and still never going to have sex again. No one cared if I was attractive - that didn't matter to him. I don't know why the physical rejection hit so hard, I just know it did.
My phone was on the pool shelf and I took a few pics of myself to see if maybe I could see what the hell was wrong with me (yes, I know this was not the right mindset, but it's where I was at).
For 49, I didn't think I looked that bad. I almost looked...good.
Now that my IDGAF attitude was full blown, I may have lost my mind a little - leading to a lot (but that's later). I created an online account with a different email and posted them.
I was either going down in flames or not, but crazy is crazy.
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